Day 11 - The January Blues

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” -Zen Proverb

Waking up this morning was nice and slow, but there was a lingering feeling of "blue". It’s not that I hadn't had a great night, it wasn't that I was unhappy, I just felt down for some reason.
 

Some articles I have read say this week and next are the two most depressing months of the year.
- Coming down from the holiday high of being with friends and family
- Credit Card statements from all the holiday shopping come in the mail
- Dreary weather
- Looking at the calendar realizing the next vacation most of us will get is the end of February
 

A lot of things to bring us down at this time of year. To cheer myself up, I started perusing vacation spots a few weeks ago, thinking I would give myself something to look forward to. I quickly realized this type of distraction only works when you can actually follow through with booking the resort! My life is filled with so many "unknowns" right now. As I am a planner at heart, this makes for challenging times. I can't plan ahead for things that I want. I can't look forward beyond today. I can't look at my life and know exactly where I am going to be in a week. Patience and Trust...that's what I have to live on...no assumptions, no physical certainties. I guess this is how grown up, "single" life is. Learning how to trust people again, learning how to be patient enough (through trust) that things will be ok, learning how to appreciate being alone instead of fearing it...not such an easy task.  Thus, I figured out, this is why I am blue...so how do I change it? It starts by reaching out for a little help
 

I had a great talk with my friend Mel last night. She's known me forever...best friends in elementary school, divided over a guy in high school...but eventually we found our way back to each other a few years ago. Her advice isn't advice, per say, it is pretty open and honest perspective. The things I don't want to be anymore; the "girl who falls in love every other week" as my cousin would say, the Impatient (when things get uncertain or rough, I run for the hills, avoid the disappointment), Self-Sabotage (when things don't go as I want, I break it apart to avoid getting hurt...but still get hurt), Self-conscious (although I have a tough exterior, just like everyone else I have self-doubt)...she made me see that I AM those things. They are a part of who I am, who I have always been. Not all of them are bad, in fact, falling in love every other week means I am opening myself up to give myself to someone or something more freely. Giving love isn't the problem...it is the impatience and lack of trust, the running and self-destructive behaviour that are the problem. She told me if I really wanted to change, make things better for myself in my relationships with my friends and partners, I have to be conscious of what I am doing, when I am doing it.  The road will be long and challenging. It will take a lot of mental / physical discipline to change the way I deal with things. I know she is right. I will fail in the beginning more than I will succeed, but I determined to win the battle with myself!


January - the bluest month of the year. My goal today is to find some sunshine (as I look out my window and see grey skies and rain)...allow myself to have a crappy day from time to time, realizing it won't be this way tomorrow (as my friend Janice would say, not every day is going to be great) but find that ray of hope to get me through. I call it the Pollyanna approach to life. Did you ever see the 1960’s Disney movie, starring Hayley Mills? It’s a great one to watch with the kids on a Sunday afternoon.  Anyway, Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she applies to everything in life. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation.  Basically every cloud has a silver lining...just have to look for it.


Below is an article I found that speaks to my personal confliction today. It's a great site to follow for inspiration (in good times and not so good times). Enjoy!


http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-what-you-need-to-give-yourself/