Day 12 - Goodbye My Friend

It’s always a bit of a slap in the face when the friends you thought were true actually stab you in the back or decide they don’t want you in their lives anymore. Today, I officially lost a friend of more than 10 years and while I knew the friendship had outgrown itself, the final unfriending on Facebook was like a bee sting. It hurts, it's bumpy and sore, but in a few days the sting will go away and it get better.


I've seen other people in my life recently go through the same loss...losing people who once had your back, never would have thought twice about sharing secrets, sharing tears, dropping everything on a dime to have their back...suddenly they dessert you and you feel like WTF just happened here?


It all comes back to the famous quote: People come into your life...for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We all know that. Sometimes you meet complete strangers and instantly you know they are the people you could see yourself friends with forever. They could be a lover, a stranger from a far off land or even a neighbour. The bottom line is when we meet these people, they become a part of us and make us better.


The hardest part is when you have someone in your life and it feels like it should be for a lifetime, but it ends up being a season. That is the Debbie Downer thought for today. At the end of the it all, the unfriending doesn’t change the huge role they played in your life, you will always have amazing memories and can hold on to those forever. If someone isn't being a productive part of your life anymore, its time to let them go and move on. In my heart, I know I will always care about the friends I have lost, and maybe one day they will find her way back to me. I don't hate them for the things they have done, I don't think hate is a healthy emotion for anyone. I'm angry now knowing some of the things that have happened...but I understand (stepping back) that sometimes things seem bigger than they are in the heat of the moment and we just have to appreciate that not everyone sees the world through your own eyes.


The best thing I can do now, is move forward knowing that the people who are in my life now (again for a season, reason or lifetime it still yet unknown) are here and I love each and every one of them. Some have played bigger roles in the past, some will play bigger roles in the future, but I am very thankful for everyone who has been a part of my life thus far. Lessons learned from each and every one.


I found a brief description of each type of friend...thought it would be good to share:


A Reason: This is someone who usually meets a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work here is done. It's just time to move on.


A Season: When people come to you for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.


A Lifetime: Relationships bound for a lifetime teach lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationship and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.


So maybe it's time to take a look at all of your relationships. It may not be clear today, which people are with you for a reason, season or lifetime, but enjoy each one. Don't look back and think "I gave them so much and they walked away"...instead...thank each person who has touched your life...as they have helped mold you into the person you are right now!

Day 11 - The January Blues

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” -Zen Proverb

Waking up this morning was nice and slow, but there was a lingering feeling of "blue". It’s not that I hadn't had a great night, it wasn't that I was unhappy, I just felt down for some reason.
 

Some articles I have read say this week and next are the two most depressing months of the year.
- Coming down from the holiday high of being with friends and family
- Credit Card statements from all the holiday shopping come in the mail
- Dreary weather
- Looking at the calendar realizing the next vacation most of us will get is the end of February
 

A lot of things to bring us down at this time of year. To cheer myself up, I started perusing vacation spots a few weeks ago, thinking I would give myself something to look forward to. I quickly realized this type of distraction only works when you can actually follow through with booking the resort! My life is filled with so many "unknowns" right now. As I am a planner at heart, this makes for challenging times. I can't plan ahead for things that I want. I can't look forward beyond today. I can't look at my life and know exactly where I am going to be in a week. Patience and Trust...that's what I have to live on...no assumptions, no physical certainties. I guess this is how grown up, "single" life is. Learning how to trust people again, learning how to be patient enough (through trust) that things will be ok, learning how to appreciate being alone instead of fearing it...not such an easy task.  Thus, I figured out, this is why I am blue...so how do I change it? It starts by reaching out for a little help
 

I had a great talk with my friend Mel last night. She's known me forever...best friends in elementary school, divided over a guy in high school...but eventually we found our way back to each other a few years ago. Her advice isn't advice, per say, it is pretty open and honest perspective. The things I don't want to be anymore; the "girl who falls in love every other week" as my cousin would say, the Impatient (when things get uncertain or rough, I run for the hills, avoid the disappointment), Self-Sabotage (when things don't go as I want, I break it apart to avoid getting hurt...but still get hurt), Self-conscious (although I have a tough exterior, just like everyone else I have self-doubt)...she made me see that I AM those things. They are a part of who I am, who I have always been. Not all of them are bad, in fact, falling in love every other week means I am opening myself up to give myself to someone or something more freely. Giving love isn't the problem...it is the impatience and lack of trust, the running and self-destructive behaviour that are the problem. She told me if I really wanted to change, make things better for myself in my relationships with my friends and partners, I have to be conscious of what I am doing, when I am doing it.  The road will be long and challenging. It will take a lot of mental / physical discipline to change the way I deal with things. I know she is right. I will fail in the beginning more than I will succeed, but I determined to win the battle with myself!


January - the bluest month of the year. My goal today is to find some sunshine (as I look out my window and see grey skies and rain)...allow myself to have a crappy day from time to time, realizing it won't be this way tomorrow (as my friend Janice would say, not every day is going to be great) but find that ray of hope to get me through. I call it the Pollyanna approach to life. Did you ever see the 1960’s Disney movie, starring Hayley Mills? It’s a great one to watch with the kids on a Sunday afternoon.  Anyway, Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she applies to everything in life. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation.  Basically every cloud has a silver lining...just have to look for it.


Below is an article I found that speaks to my personal confliction today. It's a great site to follow for inspiration (in good times and not so good times). Enjoy!


http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-what-you-need-to-give-yourself/

Day 10 - Allowing myself to feel...

Crazy morning with the kids, as they always are.  The teenager likes to push the envelope when it comes to how many tries it takes to get him out of bed.  His man-cave is dark and quiet...perfect for a young man escaping his mother and sister, but I find going down the extra flight of stairs to shake his lazy ass out of bed quite fun...some of the time.  The days he knows he has to get up and take out the garbage...not so much!

Peanut on the other hand is jumping out of bed in the morning.  Taking a page from her mother's book of early to rise, she is generally happy and moving quite quickly in the mornings.  She likes to rub it in that she is very different from her brother.  Teeth and hair brushed, dressed and eating breakfast before her brother's eyes are even open.  It's a cute characteristic until she rags on Matthew long enough where he starts to lose his cool.

Breakfast finished, bags packed, the kids headed out the door with little push and arguing.  I then made my way to work which started off nice and busy.  I knew I wanted to try to get to Kula on my lunch for a nice hot, mindfull break, however with such a busy morning, that didn't happen.

I spent a good hour on the phone with my ex.  Walking through some of the trouble he has been having and hopefully lending him support.  I think my goal is to work together as a team as much as possible without delving into negative crap.  As we approach the year marker for the start of the end with us...it makes me realize that after everything, I still care very much for him...in a way I didn't think I would ever get to.  Friendhip...truely.  This is all good. Just hope we can stay on the right track.

The afternoon was long...as it always seems to be, especially when you skip lunch.  Thankfully, my clients kept me hopping.  By 4:30 it was time to go and head to a new Yoga studio, Power Yoga Canada, to try a new way of finding inner peace in the heat.

The class was full, found myself at the front of the room, which is always intimidating.  The hour was more of a workout (i.e. Power Yoga in the heat) than what I am used to.  It was good though, challenging and very rewarding.  At the end of the 60 minutes, we laid in final Shavasana, with one hand on our belly and the other on our hearts.  I was so in the moment, had let all of the negativity go, all of my worries float away with the sweat, that I actually began to cry.  Quiet tears, not of pain, but relief.  They were tears for me, of me...about me.  The instructor turned down the lights, we were in pitch dark, a soft, emotionally engaging song playing behind us.  She read allowed an excerpt from a book...the message, no matter how hard we try to search for the place we need to get to, we will never find it.  When you feel lost of unsure, take a breath, look around.  You are exactly where you are meant to be. 

And I was...in that moment, for whatever reason I went to the studio that night...it was exactly where I needed to be.  I allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling...and to be honest I'm not exactly sure what that was...but I felt completely free and peaceful.

Following class, I scooted over to Whole Foods to get a salad to smash down before heading to my first meeting of the Coldest Night Walk organizing meeting at Kerr Street Ministries.  Joining that group is giving me a great opportunity to give back to my community, while meeting new people and doing something positive.  Great meeting, great group...very excited about the walk, February 25th.

Walking home, I breathed in deep and enjoyed the night air.  I felt good...in body and spirit.  The quiet time I had given myself yesterday helped me believe that this day was exactly how it should be.

I spent the rest of the evening with an amazing person who always seems to make me feel special, watching Lost, just being happy.  The perfect ending to what still feels like the perfect day!

T

Day 9 - Quiet Time

Waking up without the kids in the house still seems foreign to me.  The house is quiet, I still get up before the sun and yet...taking a slow quiet morning just feels uncomfortable.  I know it is something to enjoy, to relish in fact; that I can wake up slowly, make a coffee, shower, eat breakfast, read some news on the iPad and in fact not be a drill Sergeant to my children.  Still, the quiet takes getting used to.

Yesterday, was quiet.  The whole day.  I'm a texting fiend and yet my phone was fairly inactive.  Work was good, but again, mostly email based and communication with my clients and family was technology based...not a lot of person to person contact.  In this time of quiet I did some reflection (shocking, I know!).  The looming question of the day...where do I see myself in 6 months, a year, 5 years.  Not the easiest of questions to answer with a lot of "unknown" still in my life, but I wanted to formulate a bit of a plan to set some goals, set some boundaries and quiet my cloudy mind.

This process isn't easy.  Separating from someone who's been in your life so long; building new relationships with trust and patience (qualities I have lost sight of over the past few years); planning for a future you now have no idea about.  Hard...but not impossible.

My short term view: 6 Months - 1 Year.
I see myself staying put.  Not a lot of movement in the physical sense.  I'd like to keep things stable for the kids over the next little while as they have had enough change in their lives.  I see myself staying at work, love my job and the people I work with (which is pretty rare, these days).  I see myself in healthy relationships with men and women.  An equal division of give and take, love and friendship.  I see myself happy, jumping out of a plane, running an extreme obstacle course...and laughing through it all.  I want to scare myself just enough...and reward myself for the courage to take each step!

My long term view: 5 Years...
Most likely in the next 5 years I will move on from my current home and into something smaller.  Matthew will be away at University (hopefully) and it will just be the Peanut and I at home, so we won't need such a big house.  I see myself completing at least one major run/race a year (at the Olympic / half marathon distances), practicing yoga for the mind and body, being in a solid place.  I also see myself in a serious relationship by then, one filled with open communication and support.  I see myself more involved in the community as the commitment to my kids get smaller and smaller. 

Quiet time...a time for reflection, to set achievable goals for myself.  Of course, the quiet comes to an end the minute I get home and start blundering my way through dinner, homework and "snuggle" time with the kids.  A little quiet is good...but I like the hustle and bustle of being a mom.  A little of both everyday is great.  I miss my kids when they aren't with me, but I am very appreciative of the opportunity now to focus energy on making myself better...while not losing who I am at the core.

T

Day 7 & 8 - Getting Back To Normal

After almost three weeks of crazy schedules, vacations from soccer and gymnastic, working out and visiting with family / friends...this weekend the kids and I found ourselves returning to normal.  Now, by "returning to normal" that doesn't exactly mean slowing down at all, on the contrary, it means going faster, the difference is that now we are on a schedule instead of flying by the seat of our pants!

Friday night saw the return of Girls Night In with my good friend Kat and her daughter Cammie.  The girls came over, the kids played downstairs (honestly, the sight of my 13-year-old playing sweetly with Kat's 3 year old Cammie is too cute for words) and the grown-up Mama's stayed upstairs talking.  Usually the grownup time includes a bottle or two of wine, however as I am on this detox for another week, I drank water...and Kat took to the Vodka!  I will admit to cheating though...the sour blue big feet in the cupboard were calling out to me, and I couldn't resist them anymore.

The cool thing about girlfriends is that we bitch about life, we laugh about our kids and we are really there for each other when it comes to offering advice.  It is usually the no-bullshit kind of advice that you should expect from a real friend, but it is also somehow softened to cushion the blow of "yeah, that was dumb".

The other problem with detoxing and coming down from a wicked few weeks of crazy is the burn out.  Kids were still going strong at 9:30 but we were fading.  By 10pm, the kids were in bed...and soon after, so were the Mommies!!  So much for a crazy girls night in!!

Saturday morning we all woke up, got dressed and headed out for breakfast.  Another staple in the weekend ritual.  Everyone went their own ways....little Cammie reminding Kat it was time to go to the mall, while my monsters were asking to go home and "chill out".  Honestly...what happens to kids after they turn 7?  Its like they are lazy and temperamental more so than when they were toddlers...that is until it is something THEY want to do, then the energy is endless.

Allison's gymnastic started this weekend...a new adventure for her as she moves from regular recreational to Tumbling and Trampoline.  My daughter is flexible and I mean FLEXIBLE.  She is constantly doing the splits and falling backward into bridges.  This class is going to be exciting for her as she will now learn how to add running and jumping to those skills.

While she was having her time in the gym and the teenager was at home having his time with the PS3, I decided to go down to the lake for a walk.  It was a beautiful day, sun was shining bright...but the wind was chilly.  It was nice going down for a quiet walk, enjoying the millions of Canadian geese sleeping on the water.  It wasn't a long walk, just about 45 mins or so, but it was calming and rejuvenating.

After heading back for Alli, we didn't have a lot of time when we got home before it was out the door again for soccer.  The teenager was starting the winter season with red threads this time.  It was also the first time I would be seeing their dad in more than a week.  The holidays were rough on both of us, but we seem to be in a good place now.  It was actually nice hanging out, cheering the boy on together...I think it may have been the first smile we have SHARED in a long time.  Matthew scored his first goal and added two assists.  Final score...Red 9, Purple 3...it was a massacre.

Saturday night back at the homestead it was movies, snuggles and early bedtime.

Sunday was a fun day.  I woke up knowing I had to run and run I did.  Finished a full 6k in just over 35 minutes.  I felt amazing.  Energy pulsing through me!  A quick trip to Whole Foods and we were ready for Alli's Girls Day In get together with two of her school friends.  Homemade pizzas, popcorn, candy, pop, DS battles, Just Dance 3 on the Wii, BFF quizzes and lots of giggles.  She had so much fun!!

I couldn't stop the energy...so I cleaned, put away Christmas for another year and finally stopped around 4pm.  I had a great night, introducing yet another to LOST (it's going to be an amazing few month revisiting this show!!), just chilling out...it was a GREAT night!!

So here we are...back to normal.  Normal isn't boring, not in this house.  As mid-January approaches, I want to keep my commitment to enjoy each day, be fulfilled by each day.  Weekends like this, make that challenge a little easier. The week ahead looks good...

T

Day 6 - The Teenager & The Talk

Teenagers.  Do you remember when we were all teenagers?  Looking back on my teenage years, I guess I had it pretty good, but I gave my parents more than a few restless nights.  I was part of the skids AND the preps, the school band AND a cheerleader.  Bush parties in Ancaster, post football game gatherings after dark drinking Old Milwaukee beer from a can...introduction to many things very young (not all did I take part in, mind you); marijuana, sex, alcohol!  Grown up stuff when you are still a kid...I hope and pray my kids make some better choices than I did!!

Looking at my son, who will start high school this fall, I wonder what teenage life has in store for him.  So many things have changed, but I guess every generation says that about the one before.  As a parent, entering the teenage years kind of scares the crap out of me.  How do you get them to trust you with the important stuff?  How do you make them feel safe enough to let you know when they have made a mistake?

Matthew got his braces on yesterday, so when he called today, saying that he was in pain and not feeling great, I came home early from work.  The days of him "needing me" to take care of him will come to an end soon enough.  On my way home, I got Popsicles, ice-cream, pudding, jello, stuff to make delicious protein shakes...yummy soft foods to help him get through the next few days of toothaches and gum ripping pain.

While we were home, watching movies, hanging out...I thought I would try to talk to him about where he is at.  It began very innocently, "what's up", "How are your friends" and then we delved into the more serious "so have you tried smoking?", "Anyone ever offer you drugs".  It was awkward, but at the same time, I think I made it more awkward than it needed to be.  I tried being cool, like "its cool if you have, just want to talk about it", but it was still awkward.  The very, very cool thing about my son is that he is so incredibly patient and sweet, he endured it.  He even engaged, sharing stories from what he's "heard" at school.  We spent a good hour talking about everything: sex, drugs, smoking, alcohol...no holds barred.  I'm sure the discomfort I suffered was not nearly as intense as it was for him, but we got through it and were smiling in the end.   I think the biggest success was setting up some boundaries for both of us about information.  I won't pry, I will trust him...but he will also be as open and honest as he can be.  We even set up a time once a week to catch up.  Sunday mornings over breakfast or Sunday night over dinner.  I included my nine-year-old in this as well, since knowing that girls will face a number of "adult" challenges before most boys.

I'm not naive. I know they won't tell me half of what will actually be happening in their lives, but if they can trust me enough to talk about SOME of the hard stuff, the stuff that will build character, teach them how to overcome challenges, deal with peer pressure and the rejection that inevitably comes around at some point...then I will have done my job right.

I grew up with great parents who allowed me to be myself, while putting down a strong fist when needed.  I wasn't what you would call a bad kid, but I was in with a bad crowd and allowed myself to follow the leader a little too much.  Thankfully, Matt has a solid group of GOOD kids that he hangs out with.  All the same, I am working on instilling my kids with enough personal strength that they will not need to define themselves by what they DO with their friends, but more what they can DO on their own...what's right, what's important, what will make them the best people they can be.  I look forward now to the challenges the next few years will bring.  I think in the end it won't just be their character that is changing and growing, but mine as well.

T

Breakfast: McCann's Irish Oats w/ Blueberries
Snack: Cucumber & Red Pepper Slices
Lunch: Mixed Greens with Cauliflower salsa, California Chicken Salad
Aft Snack: Rice Cakes w/ Almond Butter
Dinner: Mixed Greens with Cauliflower Salsa, black bean salad w/ avocado dressing, 1/2 slice organic ham w/ pineapple glaze.
BAD SNACK: Half a package of Sour Blue Big Feet (I totally cheated today!!)

Day 5 - A little More Happiness

The phrase "Time to move on" means very different things to different people.  To some, moving on means letting go of something you are holding onto tightly for the wrong reasons; for others it means someone is leaving you behind.  For me, moving on means a bunch of different things, but predominantly it is about moving onto something better.  Whether that is a person, place, feeling...whatever.  Its like a picture I have in my office:

 

This is what moving on means to me.  Yesterday was all about learning how to move on in the right way, for the right reasons.  I'm not trying to hurt anyone, there has been more than enough of that over the past year or more.  It's not about someone else at all...it's about me, doing something to change the answer of "No, I'm not happy".

So I started dating this spring...met a really great guy and we had an amazing summer.  I felt like I had to keep him secret a lot of the time.  Like being happy and "moving on" was hurtful to my ex.  It was only recently that I understood why.  People can be ignorant to what is happening in a situation and they feed the fires of pain and hurt by sticking their noses in where they don't belong.  I'm big on "sharing" via Facebook (I know, I know).  A lot of that is because my family isn't very close and it's really the only way they can see what is happening in my life.  I refrained from posting a lot of stuff about my summer relationship because I found out there were "friends" on Facebook that were reporting back to my ex everything I was doing.  That me being happy and posting that on Facebook was somehow disrespectful, hurting him.  So I had to hide my happiness.  It sucked, and to be honest probably played a part in that relationship ending and me questioning everything I had done from January to August.

Then I let myself become taken over by guilt, regret, anger, hurt...all the things no one wants in their lives.  These feelings had me in a toxic, downward spiral and actually pushed people who had been in my life for years away from me.  They couldn't help me fix it, it was a road (as lonely and painful as it seemed) I had to walk alone.  So I started looking inside to see what I really wanted out of life, what I really wanted in a relationship, what I needed to do to make MYSELF happy again.  It didn't take long to realize that in order to find happiness, I had to stop looking for it and make some for myself.  If my happiness is hurting someone else, I need to be cautious and aware, but I am ALLOWED to be happy.  I am ALLOWED to share that happiness with my friends and family.  I am ALLOWED to move on.  Watching someone you care about "move on" without you is awful.  It makes the anger inside that much stronger...but if you care about someone, shouldn't you want them to be happy?  Isn't their happiness about them and not you?  This is the first of many 2012 realizations!! So I made it my business to start...moving on for real! 

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, doesn't mean leaving behind...it means being happy, enjoying life...and I think I can finally say...I'm moving on.

T

Breakfast: Egg White Omelet w/ Red Pepper, Spinach & Broccoli
Snack: Wild Blueberries
Lunch: 1/2 Cup Winter Root Vegetable Soup (So delicious, so filling!!)
Snack: 5 Corn/Quinoa Rice Cakes
Dinner: Veggies & Hummus (at the pub, no less!!)